I was looking at the ground the whole walk home, afraid to face the world.
I gave up walking. With the next exhale I pulled my head backward in defeat, faced with the moon and stars.
I was as empty as the vast distances between them.
My life had been a repeating cycle of broken relationships, dependency, and avoidance that had finally caught up to me.
What was I avoiding?
This year my new year’s resolution is simple.
I Want To Love Myself.
Loving ourselves is difficult.
We accept others but judge ourselves. We help others but hurt ourselves. We are proud of others but disappointed with ourselves. We seek to understand and connect with others but avoid looking inward.
We only give ourselves what we feel we deserve and when we don’t love ourselves we feel like we don’t deserve anything.
Self-Love And Loving Others.
That night, I was avoiding myself. My whole life had been about avoiding myself.
I didn’t feel whole without the love of another person so I got into relationships based on dependence and possession.
But when those relationships stopped distracting me from my lack of self-love I would self-destruct to create more distractions.
If we don’t have self-love we will be dependent on the love of others. We will sacrifice our morals, boundaries and do anything to please others so that we can feel loved.
Only when we start practicing self-love we can truly share love with other people.
We won’t come from a place of need, but rather a mutual caring. We won’t depend on other people or demand control over them.
If we have self-loathing in our hearts, all the love we give will be coming from that place and all the love we receive will be tainted by that place.
Self-Love And Happiness.
If we don’t love ourselves it’s hard to maintain happiness.
We will look for happiness in outside sources that will never be stable. Drugs, alcohol, toxic relationships, vanity and material objects will be our happiness.
But these sources will cause cycles of ups and downs. They can never be stable and we will spiral down until we hit rock bottom.
When we start practicing self-love we don’t crave outside validation as much. We don’t need to distract ourselves because we are okay with who we are.
To sit in a quiet room and just BE with ourselves, to face our flaws, to disagree with the negative self-talk and show ourselves the same compassion that we show others; that is the practice of self-love.
It is a daily practice because our whole lives have been spend in judgement, denial, avoidance, anger and fear towards ourselves.
This New Year I see people everywhere making resolutions.
“This is the year I lose weight.”
“This is the year I get a new job.”
“This is the year I get a relationship.”
“This is the year I follow my passion.”
Please, make this the year you practice loving yourself.
Sometimes I still feel the way I felt during that night, but it doesn’t last as long. And when it does happen, I exhale everything and breathe in Love.