It has been four weeks since I’ve written and posted an article. These last few weeks have been a struggle.
I talked to Steven. I shared and we explored. We delved deep into my past, my being, everything I had struggled so long to keep secret.
He said something that struck a chord:
‘If you open a book halfway and start reading, you’ll never understand anything that’s happening. You’ll never understand the motivations for the character, why they do what they do, and who they really are. Much like your personal life, if you choose to ignore where you came from, how you were raised and your backstory, you’ll never understand your motivations for your character. You will never understand why you do what you do.’
There has been a lot of darkness in my life. I spent the majority of my younger days pushing down my story and hiding my feelings.
“Darkness doesn’t determine you if it doesn’t effect you right now,” was my rationalization. So I kept pushing and moved on with my life.
Now years later, everything is resurfacing and past traumas are showing up more powerful than ever. It has had so much time to gather strength within myself and is now seeping into all my being.
It has impacted everything in my life, to the point where I’m pretty much a blank canvas. I feel transparent. I feel empty.
I spent a lot of time crying these past few weeks. And now I feel like crying, but there’s nothing left.
The last few weeks have been a lot of ‘woe is me.’
I have constantly screamed, ‘why me? Why do I have to have a dark past? Why can’t I be the lucky one without any trauma?’
Instead of trying to understand my story, I spent a lot of time being a victim. Being a victim is the easy-HARD way out. It is an easy road to travel, constantly avoiding all the difficult questions along the way. Then, you reach the end and you have to face the hard challenges. Unanswered questions manifest into destructive behaviours, hurting the people you love and, inevitably, yourself.
On the flip-side, delving deep within yourself provides the hard-EASY outcome. The road is hard to travel. Reliving the entire trauma is a tasking challenge. Difficult feelings will surface and the path will make you feel vulnerable and empty, at times. But at the end of the hard road, you will shed the excess weight. It feels easier to continue, when you’ve obtained a full understanding of yourself.
Where are you lacking? What are you hiding from yourself? How is it affecting you? Ask yourself these questions and seek out answers.
I feel like I have been taking the easy way my whole life. Being a helpless victim was all I ever knew.
But as I approached the end of my road, I progressively became more and more destructive.
I am at a crossroads.
Do I continue my destructive path as a victim, or do I understand my personal power and delve further into my being?
I am surrounded in darkness. But I as I come to terms with everything, as I continue to work through my character, my motivations and my being, I begin to grow at a rapid rate.
More importantly, everything and everyone I surround myself with feels the positive effects of my personal growth.
No one is lucky. Everyone has trauma. But some people bury it so deep within themselves, it only comes out as anger, lies, hate, and regret.
We never see their trauma or their true selves. All we see are shadows of people.
Life is full of hard choices.
All growth arises from a dark place.
And I am tired of being a shadow.